I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin

Making Light

Whiteford Point Lighthouse #5Image by slimmer_jimmer via Flickr

As of late, I feel kind of like that lighthouse over there in that picture.

I am only truly myself with a very few people.  It’s always been hard to really open up to people.  It’s just easier to be more reserved.  There are several people, who it’s been brought to my attention, think that they do know what I’m thinking or feeling.  I don’t even know who “they” are because that is a closely guarded secret, but I wish I did know because I would gratefully remove them from my life.

I’d also like some answers as to when and why my social networking habits have suddenly become fodder for everyone to text and email about.  Just because I’m not commenting or “liking” something doesn’t mean I am pissed or have an issue.  It just means that I simply didn’t have anything to say.  To those people who took note of my lack of doing those things, I think they need to do a more thorough inspection.  If they did they would see that I’m not a big commenter or “liker” in general.  Now I am even more aware of what I am doing or not doing.

I have been deeply hurt.  Things were said that can not be taken back.  I know that sometimes things get said out of anger that, on hindsight, shouldn’t have been said, but it’s still out there.  I always try to look at things from the other persons perspective so I understand where it’s all coming from.  However,  if the issues had been brought to me on a personal level I’m confident that peace could have been made.  I will not go into it here because I believe that it is still personal in nature and don’t want my personal business or the business of others broadcast in detail.

I had to say something though.  It’s eating at me.  I have always not known what to do or say in stressful situations.  Situations that can be so overwhelming that I’m pretty much just left speechless because nothing you can say or do will right what’s wrong.  I see now that not everyone understands that.  Everyone deals with things differently.  I deal with it by internalizing it and not talking about it with the person who is experiencing it.  I guess it’s my form of denial.  It doesn’t mean that I don’t care or that I am not just a phone call away.  It just means that I want to fix it and I can’t and that I’m scared.  I don’t think that there is a “right” or “wrong”, just ways to deal differently.

Shoo… that was hard.  It’s taken me a week to write it.  Write, then delete and rewrite.  I try to keep everything here at the blog on a lighthearted note, but sometimes life gets in the way and there is no way to make light of it.

On a lighter note, (no pun intended…) I’ve finally found it!  A blog layout that I can live with for a while.  I love it, love it, love it.  You can find an awesome layout to by visiting Cinnamon Girl Studio.  Just click the link at the bottom of my page.

See you tomorrow for my second Friday Flip Off!

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Comments on: "Making Light" (1)

  1. very well said !!

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